It's Friday

It's Friday and I'm very glad it is. Out of the last five Saturdays I've only had one off. I had 53 hours of overtime on my last paycheck and my body is ready to check out. So that is all for work. That and my last day is the 2nd of Sept. which I am very excited for. I haven't seen my family since January.
So much of my day is spent inside my head and since I haven't written in a very long time I am overdue for a download. One of my appreciations for my job is that I do have this time to contemplate life, plan, make goals, and understand myself better. Much of this summer has been spent reviewing just who I am. Lets just say I have much to work on and much that I feel has been lost but I also feel there are parts of me that have blossomed and are very good.
First of all I know now more than ever just what I have been looking for. I just want to be loved by a good woman. It's so simple and yet, it feels so impossible. I understand that it is possible because it happened once a long beautiful time ago. Since I've been home from my mission though it just feels like all emotion is gone. Did she steal my fire? My passion that once existed? Life feels more like a pursuit for happiness rather than experiencing it. I just keep coming up empty handed. I don't know where to go, don't know where to look. All I've come to know is that what I want is nothing I can go after, nothing I can just take. It has to be given or else it's not real. That's what made it so awesome before. I don't think I did anything beyond just being myself before and she loved me for it. I didn't ask or beg for it. I didn't have to persuade or manipulate to receive it. "What do I know about love" is a pathetic disgrace to what I used to know and now have forgotten about love. I almost wish I had never written it. It's a complete sham to what I really am, an attempt to prove to myself that I still knew only to realize that the words are as empty as my heart.
I feel like I attack voraciously every opportunity to find love again only to come away discouraged. I'm starting to fear that desperation is setting in and with that desperation I might lose myself. I sincerely hope I don't fall prey to myself and the emptiness inside of me. I feel the strength it takes to keep my heart and mind true to the real me giving way to exhaustion. Sometimes is slips slowly away undetected until I adjust my grip and scream out in an effort to hold on just a bit longer.
All around me it exists, in everyone around me I see it. I feel like I am in a vacuum that keeps me from it and when I cry out my words can't escape it.
I worry that I try to hard, want it to bad, and use that worry to allow myself to fall short and get in the way of me really being myself, my whole self.
Is my life on repeat. Am I playing the same old song and dance over and over telling myself that it's different this time?
I do know one thing, change doesn't happen with a new town, new friends, or new intentions. It comes from within. One challenge at a time. You either let it take you or you fight it even until you don't think you can stand. You either win or lose. But if you find yourself fighting and you know you have to win but your getting your butt kicked and your giving everything you have left to stay in it, just keep going and you will come out victorious. When it comes down to it it's the will to survive that will push you through and help you find the way to win.